My Midlife Music

Alice In Chains – “Jar Of Flies” and “Nothing Safe (Best of the Box)”

“Jar Of Flies” (1994)

I could have sworn that I owned the CD of “Dirt”, which meant that we would have started there; but, alas, that was one of the albums that was copied onto cassette for me (as was the style at the time), and I never ended up purchasing it. I did get this EP, though, at a secondhand shop (witness the stickers on the jewel case!).

Oh, I love this album. “I Stay Away” is not only one of my favorite Alice in Chains songs; it also has one of my favorite videos. It’s just so weird; slightly creepy, nonsensical, very ’90s. I also love how this album showcases the outstanding harmonies that Jerry Cantrell wrote for himself and Layne Staley, especially on “Don’t Follow”; such beauty under all that dirty horror-grunge.

One of the things that connects me so deeply to this album is its stripped-back nature, and the fact that it’s an EP. There’s no filler, no “here’s the obligatory rock track about sex and drugs”; at least, not inasmuch as it pertains to a typical “rock” track. All of these songs are deeply personal on some level, much like “Dirt” was, but because they only have 7 tracks to reach you, they go right for the jugular. There’s a brief respite with the instrumental “Whale & Wasp”, but each track has at least one line that will touch the lost soul in you, and leave you playing it on repeat for days without getting sick of it.

Take my favorite, “I Stay Away”; it’s as if it’s sung from the point of view of a conflicted mind: “I want to travel this year/ I won’t prevent safe passage here./ Why you act crazy?/ Not an act, maybe./ So close, a lady/ Shifty-eyed, shady.” The first two lines are sung in almost a croon, the next four are sung as an accusation. I always feel like this song is an explanation, if not an apology, for why we withdraw when we can’t deal with what’s going on in our own heads.

“Nothing Safe (Best Of The Box)” (1999)

I remember not initially connecting with this compilation when I first bought it. I think I found that I wasn’t into a lot of their post-”Jar Of Flies” work; it read to me like the death knell of Alice In Chains with Layne Staley. Songs like “Again” seemed repetitive, and Layne’s vocal work seemed like his heart wasn’t in it; like he was deep into the heroin addiction that eventually took his life in 2002. I wanted more of what I heard on “Dirt” and “Jar Of Flies”, not so much of these odds and ends that felt like filler designed to keep fans at bay while Layne got his act together.

The cover I saved from the February 8, 1996 Issue of Rolling Stone. My crush on Layne was in full swing back then.

I was surprised, then, when I put this album in my car’s CD player and found a whole new appreciation for “Again”, “What The Hell Have I”, “Got Me Wrong”, and “No Excuses”. Maybe it’s because I’m older and wiser; maybe it’s because I am used to these songs now and can appreciate them for what they are, in spite of their differences from their predecessors.

I wish I had a copy of “Dirt” on CD, but this album has some great tracks from that disc. “Angry Chair”, “Them Bones” and “Would?” were some of my favorites. “Angry Chair”, especially, used to creep me the fuck out! I always felt that Alice In Chains was slightly scary, in the best way. I loved how they incorporated metal into their grunge sound, and dark, almost horror movie imagery into their videos. They were right up there with Nine Inch Nails for what my sixteen-year-old brain found “sexy,” slightly off-putting and yet accessible (Now, when my brother introduced me to Skinny Puppy, doors were blown off…).

I hear the sadness in “Grind” and “What The Hell Have I” now, where I used to only hear diminished musicianship. It’s almost cathartic to listen to these songs now, without the gloss of youth coloring my reception. I’m older than Layne ever got to be; I’m tired in different ways, but I understand the fatigue in a way I didn’t when I was 23 and he passed away.

I’ll be honest: I haven’t listened to the new incarnation of Alice In Chains; I can’t even tell you what the new lead singer’s name is. This is a band that had a place in time for me, and it died when Layne died.

**Edit: I published this post, then went to run errands, and recalled that my friend Liz had reminded me of a time in the early 2000s when we drunkenly sang Alice In Chains while stumbling around the neighborhood in the wee hours of the morning. I don’t remember if we were trying to get more cigarettes or going to the 24-hour diner, but I do remember that we were “harmonizing,” and we. sounded. fabulous. So, I’m a lying liar who lies: AIC still has a place for me, in those nostalgic moments; and isn’t that the point of this blog?**

A Word About The Lack Of Posts

I truly meant to post every month; that was before Covid-19 hit, and everything went tits-up. I have, like so many of us, been dealing with the repercussions of the pandemic. In addition, I have been struggling with vertigo, with which I was diagnosed late last year (in case you needed evidence of the fact that this is the collection of an old lady; this condition strikes between 40 and 60, typically!). I recently had to quit my job because of the symptoms, and I am now doing better at managing my symptoms, which, in turn, is making my head clearer; thus, I am happy to report that my entry on Alice In Chains will be coming soon!

This really is a passion project of mine; I hope that it will catch on, and that I will be forgiven for not being gung-ho right out of the gate. There’s so much to say about these albums; I hope that someone will come along for the ride!

Ryan Adams – “Love Is Hell” and “Easy Tiger”

Wow. What a way to start. I initially dived right in to my Ryan Adams without pause, then a few lines made me recall the sexual harassment allegations against him, so I looked it up to see what happened in the aftermath of the original reports, and… it’s difficult to look at these albums without having them colored by the image of having been written by an abusive “nice guy,” but I’m going to try to present my initial feelings for them, and my feelings for them at present (because they can’t be ignored if you believe what’s been said, and with all the people who have backed up these women’s claims, I can’t help but do so).

I remember buying “Love Is Hell” (2004) because Ryan Adams co-wrote a few songs on Beth Orton’s “Daybreaker”. I had been meaning to check Adams out, and I enjoyed his contributions to that album, so I started with this cd.

Upon first relistening to “Love is Hell”, I was struck by how much I’d forgotten. I used to love this album back in my lonely, wallowing single days. Tracks like “Please Do Not Let Me Go” and “Anybody Want to Take Me Home” used to make me cry inconsolably, as I sang along with Adams and wondered when I would find that love, and why I was so undeserving, myself. This album also boasts possibly the best version of “Wonderwall” ever recorded. What I wasn’t expecting was to find out that “English Girls Approximately” is about Beth Orton! I don’t know if I just glossed over that at the time because, as a relatively upbeat-sounding tune, it wasn’t in my “poor me” wheelhouse, or if that’s just a bit of trivia that I’ve forgotten over the years.

I put the CD on repeat (this will be part of my process of writing these entries), and was struck by a line from “This House Is Not For Sale”: Adams repeats, “calm down, calm down, calm down,” in the chorus. This is what made me think of the sexual harassment allegations. When I originally heard this song years ago, I thought of a major failed relationship of mine; strangely enough, that relationship involved a lot of emotional manipulation and abuse on the part of my ex; he liked to make me feel like I was crazy, in an effort to keep me down with him. This song used to remind me of the tug-of-war, push-and-pull of being in a relationship like that, between both parties. When put in the context of the allegations against Adams, his plea to “calm down” sounds less like the desperation of a person in a flailing relationship, and more like the cajoling of a person using their position to tell someone that they’re blowing their very real experience out of proportion. It’s… icky. And it’s hard to look at the song the same way now.

Then we have “Easy Tiger” (2007). I had forgotten I even owned this CD! I figured I must have bought it at a crazy time in my life and never really gotten around to listening to it, so I was interested to see if the prolific Adams changed up his musical style for this album. Well, he did, slightly; and man, is it boring. I have little to say about this album, and now I see why I don’t remember it. “Halloweenhead” is just embarrassing; it’s supposed to be the album’s “rock” track, but it doesn’t. Adams sounds bored, and even lazily shouts “guitar solo!” at one point. I found the whole experience of listening to this CD on repeat marginally more enjoyable when I just skipped this track altogether. Then we have “These Girls”, a track listed here as essential Adams listening. It just sounds to me like typical “nice guy” whining in light of all the accusations. “These girls are better off in my head,” indeed.

Ugh. This was a difficult post with which to start. I wanted so badly to go into much more detail with these posts, but with this one, I just want to be done. I have such fond memories of “Love Is Hell”, and yet I could not get excited about writing about someone who’s work and lyrics, which used to mean so much to me, have all been called into question. I’m sure there will be quite a bit of this feeling in my collection to come, but let’s hope for better luck with my next entry.

My Midlife Music

my husband hates my music.

well, not really.

he just thinks it’s really funny when I get upset when he makes fun of it.

yeah. it’s fucking hilarious, dude.

this is all to say that I have a lot of music, of varying genres. I know almost every lyric on almost every cd in my collection. some of it is great; some of it is really, really questionable.

I’m over 40 now, and i present to you my cd collection, in all its awesome, embarrassing, sometimes obscure glory. I’ll be posting once a month, so as to allow myself time to reconnect with and research the albums, and give a (hopefully) quality post. I’ll also post photos of the liner notes, which you can’t get on Spotify! **not in their entirety; I don’t wanna get sued!** I’ll present a little background on each artist and the albums, and I’ll cite my sources, but keep in mind that I’m not a music journalist; I’m just someone who’s always loved music, has an admittedly shameless love of pop-culture trivia, and I always love learning more! then I’ll dive into my personal thoughts on the albums, why and if I remember buying them, and which songs spoke to me then, and still speak to me now. some stories should be pretty personal and, therefore, humiliating, so strap in: things could get messy.

it should all be very self-indulgent and, possibly, entertaining!